Sunday, 24 November 2013

Sunday the Longest Day

Today is Sunday.
I really don't like Sundays.
I've been in a bit of a funk the last couple days and it being Sunday isn't helping.

Sundays used to be awesome. Sleeping in, eating late, doing nothing.
Sundays with kids suck.
Nothing is open on Sundays, not really that there is much, but the excitement of buying food or checking mail is at least there as an activity.
No playgroup, daycare or anything.
Kids always, ALWAYS messier, more argumentative and in your face.
They are currently alternating coming to the gate at the door whining and clawing to get in while I attempt to eat eggs on toast. 
It feels like everything is taking forever and today will never end.
I tried to look at Pinterest to find something to do with them, hopefully Christmas related, now just feel even more lazy and annoyed as I have no resources to do anything with and I live in the middle of nowhere and can't buy things unless I pre order weeks in advance. 
The cat just vomited. Awesome.
Hate Sundays.

My extra crappy mood stemming from crappy people I have encountered this week.
I know that in life you just meet/have to deal with toxic people.
These people often don't know they are offensive and awful, that's just who they are.
I also know that when someone is mean it usually isn't really about me.
Everyone has been hurt by something at some time, everyone has formed opinions from their life experience, when someone is mean, jealous or defensive it usually is an issue they are going through. 
Normally they try to one up you, make you look bad, make you feel bad, belittle you.
I usually can pity them and that will be enough to accept they are in their own jealous/hurt/guilt bubble and are taking it out on me and then let it go.
I think I just got to the point where after years of the same behaviour is exhausting.
When someone clearly has no respect for you and is just emotionally unstable all the time, it's like a mine field and you get sick of tiptoeing, taking the time and effort to find out where the explosives are and taking the safest route, even if it is longer and tires you out more in the process. 
Worse, if you accidentally detonate, you then spend a considerable amount of time, scrambling to put yourself back together, burying the hole and licking your wounds before tiptoeing away again to continue the tiresome journey minesweeping and avoiding.
No more.
I've just got so much going on, too many important things for my life to deal with without a nasty judgemental shadow lurking somewhere. 
I finally stood up for myself and just.... it feels good.
It is such a weight lifted. 
I am very happy and at peace with it.
You cannot even imagine.

 I think the funk is coming from that I didn't do it ages ago. 
I feel ashamed at myself for not trusting my instincts.
Definitely making me re evaluate myself and how much I let people take advantage of me and how much I put up with.
I don't and won't let any person or situation change my nature or core being as I quite like who I am.
I just have always walked away from a situation and felt better for it, whether or not the other person feels victorious I don't know, but I can now see this has left me open for further attack.
I know I am a good person on the inside.
I am in a good place with my life.
I feel very secure in my being.
This is definitely making it easier to see others clearer and make friends for being in a similar place I am.
So much less complicate!

Even writing this out in black and white has just solidified how at peace I feel now.
I know this is another life lesson and I think definitely some baggage I had to unload before we have our new baby.
I want to be the best role model I can for my kids and how I deal with people and how I let them deal with me, especially having a daughter soon, is going to be how they learn and grow into compassionate and strong adults.
I want them to know the best action to take, when to stand up for themselves or walk away from a bully, when to ask for help.

Everyone is going through something, fighting invisible battles in their life or in their person, everyone feels insecure sometimes.
Sometimes you can help them, sometimes you can only empathise with them and sometimes you can't do either and you can only walk away from them or risk taking their energy on board.

My house certainly feels lighter, I have white saged and cleansed the negativity, kids are happier as I am happier.
Just need it not to be Sunday anymore.
The sound of a thousand duplos being emptied can be heard.
There's bickering between brothers and egg on the couch.
There's still cat spew on the carpet.
I can smell poo.
On the plus, Mouse is due for a nap.

No comments:

Post a Comment