Friday, 7 June 2013

One Step Forward, Two Steps Backwards

Heard from Husband yesterday, had a surprise call on the home phone. I haven't had a mobile in a week or so, it is fixed now, yay! However I realised how disgustingly reliant I am on it in my everyday life. {insert streaming shows on PC, while Facebook messaging off iPhone as too lazy to minimise screen story}
It was quite liberating to not have one, although I did miss having the opportunity to mamarazzi my kids. I do take an awful lot of photos and thank technology for the option to save so many memories. 

Like this - Our car in a turtle-neck
Anyway. With husband doing a bush trek this week has meant we haven't had any contact, usually he is able to call or text at some point.
Aside from him breezing through for work and to visit with the Army, hes been gone 5 weeks in total. He is coming home on Sunday.
I am glad we're at the end and I don't really know how I accomplished the last few weeks on my own.

I know I can manage the kids, they are fed, clothed and alive, however I don't think I have caught a break on the sickness thing, as the last week and a half we have yet again succumbed to an onslaught of germs with a wicked cold all around.
Mouse has copped the worst with a croupy cough and a double ear infection currently.

I am feeling pretty run down. 
Last week especially I had a few fragile days where I was just over it so much.
I nearly had a meltdown in a public place, which I am glad I didn't, awkward for all involved, but I did take a step back and just look after myself for a day. I think the no phone situation didn't help, I don't think I could have felt any more isolated.

I think the great, or not so great thing about children is their brutal honesty, even when it isn't directly aimed at you.
Last night I caught Mushroom playing in his room after he was supposed to be asleep, I had a bit of a listen, he was role playing with some cars. There was a Mum car, a baby brother car and a 'Me' car.
There was no Daddy car. 
The Mum car was an angry car and I realised how much Mushroom is picking up, as it was saying things that I know I say/shout and do often, especially of late.
I felt immediate guilt as my 3 year old had just laid me out in his eyes, unaware that I was listening in and it sucked.
I grew up in a family of raised voices and arguing, I loathe it, really stresses me out. I have always taken a lot of pride in that Husband and I don't argue, however it seems all the shouting is coming from me anyway.
I know my patience is awful at the moment. I just don't have any. I still think I do ok as a parent, getting through everyday on my own with the boys. It has been so stressful and lonely on my own.

I hate having been put in this position for the way its has changed who I am as a person and parent so plain for my kids to see.
I think how I see myself on the whole isn't accurate and I need to see myself through my children's eyes, even if it isn't very uplifting, in an effort to better myself and be more or the parent I envisage myself as.
I don't like that there wasn't a Dad car there either.
Of course I realise that Husband being away affects the kids, however it never dawned on me how much I have become the solitary parent.
I think it's something we need to work on.
It was all a bit depressing really.

I really want to make this something positive.
I think it is an awesome opportunity to re evaluate and grow.
I know life is just insane with small people, I know I often forget who I am and lose focus on the bigger picture. This is is pretty easy when there's sibling fighting, dropped cups of juice and toilet training going on.
I want my kids to grow up happy and well enough adjusted, with happy and well enough adjusted parents.
I realise a few bad weeks isn't going to shape them drastically and I am allowed to drop the ball (or juice) occasionally and still be a pretty super Mama but I am glad it was brought to my attention while I can nip it in the bud.
I am going to make a concious effort to check in my anger, which may be misdirected at the crappy situation, rather than have my kids see it all. I also want to let the kids feel angry about it too, maybe talk about it more with them. Rather than just feel they should accept Husband going away so much.

I get up in the morning and just think about how great it will be when they are in bed again. I know they are full on and I know I am beyond exhausted but I want to be able to enjoy them and be excited about life. I don't want to just be a good enough parent, I want to be a phenomenal person that my kids will emanate.
I wouldn't mind feeling supported by my husband a bit more, which can't happen when he isn't around.
I know I am only human and will never be a perfect parent, as I really don't think that they exist, you're going to screw up in one way or another, even if that way is being too perfect.
I am also quite candid about my shortfalls as a person and as a parent, when I know I am have them, I really appreciate the wake up call every once in a while.
I enjoy the process of reflecting on myself, even if not all entirely pleasant.
It leads towards something positive.
You have to tear down to rebuild.
It is just crazy how much a little over a month can take out of you.
I am really looking forward to some R&R.
We are nearly at the end :)

Looking forward to some of this myself...

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