Friday, 31 May 2013

When Life Gets in the Way

Updates have been far and few at the moment.
I think I can say without doubt that I am shattered.
I also don't think we have done too much worth posting about.

Pilbara sunset from my back door
 This is husbands fourth week away from us. Okay. To be fair, he did come home for 4 days, of which he worked, so it really didn't feel like we saw him at all.
He's now gone off again playing Army in the bush for another week and a bit. 
This is sucking more this time as previously he had been able to call us and stay in contact. This time they are bush trekking and we haven't heard from him much.
I am just exhausted as I would love a break to just do something for me without the small people, even just wee on my own.

Glad at least someone is able to get some sleep
Today the Army did have a stop in our little town to engage in the community and mingle with the civilians. They did activities with the kids at the school.
Husband wanted to see me, so asked to shower at home. They told him he had to take his patrol with him.
6 men showered in our house this morning. Utter chaos and flurry of towels and shaving equipment over 45 minutes.
I then was tasked with getting the contraband items. Cigarettes, hot chips, iced coffees etc.
Army wife.

Army vehicle excitement
I have been otherwise busy with the boys just doing the everyday things.
I have been trying to do more interesting bits and pieces with them, we have been going to the park and having playdates a lot more than usual when we haven't been unwell.
We have all been sick for the better part of the month, one thing after another.

Rainbow cakes
Mouse has been getting more and more challenging since he is walking full time.
He seems to be a lot more 'into stuff' than Mushroom ever was. 
If I don't close it, if I don't want him in there, he'll be doing something he is not supposed to do.
It is wiping me out as he gets so angry at me and he also wants to be near me so much, I try and wear him as much as I can. I think he is still working out his independence and how much he needs me at the moment.
I think he is a very wise old soul.

This month also marked the 2nd year since our miscarriage.
I go through periods where I am ok about it. 
Then other times I over think it and I get sad again. 
Some days I still cry.
I think the biggest impact losing a baby had on me was losing hopes and dreams for someone we hadn't yet met but loved dearly. 
I have also been able to talk to others who have had a loss and it seems to bring some kind of healing, talking to someone who can understand what it is to lose something so precious.
I am quite open about our miscarriage, I have found this has meant many more women have talked to me about their losses, people who hadn't talked about it before.
I am sad how many there have been that have opened up. 
I am sad that it's not something women feel they can talk about.
Not much was known about why we lost our much wanted child. Recently more information has been brought to light based on my health. I have Hashimotos disease, which is an autoimmune condition involving my thyroid. It's not a great mix for pregnancy.
I would like to have another baby and I hate that the miscarriage has taken away that innocence from pregnancy.
I don't think I have been more terrified of anything.
The end result is more than worth taking the risk, however I know my risks are higher and I don't want to lose another little piece of my heart.
I often wonder what our extra tiny person would have been like.
I hate that I don't know their gender.
I hate that I don't have any ultrasound photos.
I am glad that this month is over and tomorrow is June.

I carry your heart with me (I carry it in
my heart) I am never without it (anywhere
  I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
  I fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) I want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

  I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart) 

~E.E Cummings~
Written on Christian's beach for our tiny tiny person

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